Teens often want to change others before themselves

Spoiler alert - they can't & it won't work

Solution Focused Therapy is often transformational. In less than an hour, it can help someone walking in low & deflated to see their own world of possibility. They sit up straighter, make better eye contact and start to talk excitedly about their future.

There’s often a moment - one moment - where they suddenly see it. See it. It suddenly becomes real and possible.

They look up and left, and there’s an ‘AHA!’ moment.

That’s why I love it. I never tire of seeing that moment!

So often, teens, children and parents come in sincerely believing that someone else is the cause of their issues. If only that person had changed, life would be great. Instead, they outsource much of their stress and pain to others, which is convenient even if it is not feasible or even possible.

It’s tempting, all right. Tempting. Unfortunately, life doesn’t usually work that way.

They may change if the other person is in the therapy room and hears what the client wants and how their behaviour affects the client. But, unfortunately, that’s probably the exception rather than the rule.

Most clients don’t initially understand the power of nudging or shifting their perspective. And it is real power. Changing your perspective indeed changes your situation. It’s also true that therapy for anyone involved in the dynamic shifts how they respond to others. That different reaction starts to impact the others, starting a snowball effect.

Amazingly this means that the expected client doesn’t need to be the client to get results. For example, therapy for a parent can help a child. Therapy for a spouse can help their partner and so on. This is especially helpful when the expected client can’t or won’t engage in treatment.

So don’t despair! Change is possible even if the person perceived to need treatment doesn’t get therapy.

Change is not only possible - it is inevitable. Nothing is fixed. So given that nothing stands still, that change can be positive.

Dr Doyle is right in the pinned tweet above. It is presumptuous to try to ‘fix’ someone else. However, it is entirely understandable to want to!

Realistically, that probably wouldn’t ‘fix’ us in any case. Our world is our world. We need to see our own desired future. Not just as some abstract theory. It’s painting and describing that picture in glorious technicolour and detail that brings it to life.

I don’t believe therapy has to be all deep stuff and digging for reasons. Solution Fused Therapy Otten talks about the small details of every day - what you listen to on the radio on the way to work, how you do hair or make-up on a good day, and what colour scarf you choose. Most of us feel comfortable talking about these.

It is simultaneously superficial with deep work going on underneath.

Don’t be scared - look for Solution Focused Therapists near you (like myself) or even online. Change is constant, so you might as well tilt it in your favour.